Getting Over Myself

©2021 E.R. Smith

The pandemic’s effect on education will be studied for years. Teachers currently in the trenches have time only to study how to make this work. I had a difficult time. Like most educators, I didn’t realize we wouldn’t be back in the building. I didn’t pack anything to take home. Amazon became a friend along with Dollar Tree; helping me turn a living room wall into a learning station. Admin’s decisions on whether or not to Zoom made me dizzy with worry. My parents wanted help in preparing their four year olds for kindergarten. Schedules were crazy for parents with students in multiple grades. One suggested I film lessons; start a YouTube channel. I was horrified at the thought. I am not one to choose to pose in front of any camera. Stuck in perceived judgement. Paralyzed by the thought of others’ thoughts? Pondering. I left high functioning students in March 2020. These guys chose to write and spell, some could already read. These parents were excellent partners. They convinced me. Lead me. First to a speaker so they could hear me better than during Zoom meets. Then to a ring light; so they could see me better. I had to wait for deliveries. Still hadn’t attempted a video, really got breathy at the thought. I wasn’t convinced. No one could lead me to filming Me. I had to be convinced. I used Photo Booth initially, it allows you to film yourself without assistance. I wasn’t as yet versed in iMovie. It is hard to watch oneself on film. Don’t know how actors do it?? I watched twice….saved and uploaded onto ClassTag. Waited for reproach. Received only positive feedback. “Please adjust screen, adjust ring light, the sound is going in and out, but love the lesson, more please, start that YouTube channel.” Almost a year has past. Learned iMovie. Learned how to adjust lighting and how to attach speakers to the very few ports on my MacBook Air. I’ve always known I could learn anything I put my mind to. The thing is past experiences with others and their perception of you is also a lesson. I believe I was tutored to believe myself faulty….wanting. Pushing through that incorrect dialogue in my head was a tough study. Watching myself objectively became cathartic. I’ve attached an early filmed lesson; so you can see the flaws. I welcome all suggestions on how the lesson can be improved. Trauma has eased. I have a YouTube channel. Breathing calmly as I remain out of my way.